Service work in times of uncertainty

Sometimes I think I must have been a nun in a past life, given how much pressure I place on myself to do or be the right thing—as if, by living “right,” I’ll somehow earn a special place in heaven. That thought alone shows how deeply I’ve absorbed some very old beliefs, ones rooted in cultural and religious conditioning, especially from my Catholic upbringing.

I’m not sure which came first: the belief that I need to sacrifice myself to be worthy, or the cultural and religious ideas that shaped it. My parents didn’t explicitly teach me this. My mom modeled self sacrifice in the name of love—I was often told how she went without so I could have what I needed—while my dad embodied the opposite: “I sacrifice you and our relationship so I can follow my dreams.”

I remember once sitting in therapy and saying, “I should do some volunteer work.” My therapist stopped me gently and said, “Notice that word should. We never want to do something from a should place.” Later, an old hippie neighbor pointed out how violent the word should can be—to ourselves and others. He said, “Shoulding is like shitting on ourselves.” That stayed with me.

Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, teaches that it’s essential to ask why—why we want ourselves or others to do something. Am I doing it because I hope for a specific outcome, attaching my worth to what I do? Or am I doing it because it genuinely brings joy and meaning to my life? Likewise, when I ask someone for help, do I want them to say yes out of obligation or out of joy?

These questions guide me deeply. They bring me back to what service really means for me.

I truly love being of service. There’s no greater joy than helping, especially when it comes to providing food to people in need. But I’ve had to become honest with myself about why I do it.

When I don’t know what to do in life, I serve. Service has always been a compass for me. From age 16, I’ve been part of 12 step programs where a central teaching is to freely give away what we were given. That principle—one person helping another, for fun and for free—is what keeps those communities alive nearly a century later.

So when I’m standing at a crossroads, uncertain about work, relationships, or next steps, I show up to serve food. It connects me instantly to life. Food is the most basic human need, and preparing it for others grounds me in humility and love. Over the years, I’ve volunteered at missions, food banks, Meals on Wheels, shelters for the unhoused in Venice, and most recently at Help of Ojai.

There’s something sacred about cutting oranges, separating grapes, or bagging bread alongside another volunteer. My mind quiets. My problems dissolve. My focus shifts entirely to the people who will receive these meals. Sometimes as I pack each bag, I bless it silently—blessing the person who will eat what I’ve prepared.

As I launch my website and grow my coaching practice, I remind myself to stay rooted in what brings me the most joy: service. When I ask myself why I serve, the answer is simple and pure—because it makes me happy. It brings me into the present moment and fills my heart with love.